Ranking the Lockouts

With the NFL lockout supposedly coming to an end (we’ll have to wait until after the owner’s appeal the recent decision). I thought I’d rank the top five lockouts. The NFL doesn’t even get an honorable mention.

Number 5.

(drum roll, please)

The First Weatherman

They had 120 years to learn how to swim or to pack., so I don’t really feel that sorry for them. (Discover flight, or something). They just didn’t listen to Noah’s 10 o’clock weather forecast…which was the same…for 100 years…

“Well here’s Noah with the weather.”

Pan to Noah…with a brown beard.

“Gonna rain y’all.”

100 years later,

“Well here’s Noah with the weather.”

Pan to Noah…with a white beard.

“Gonna rain y’all.”

Of course Noah would often do a show called “Ark Improvement”…but his main focus was weather.

So we are all familiar with the story… after years of failing, Noah finally got the weather right and it began to rain…as everybody else said “oops.” Then when it started to flood…and the sinners who didn’t renew their passport were LOCKED OUT of the Ark. No negotiations.

Genesis 7: 16

And they that went in, went in male and female of all flesh, as God had commanded him: and the LORD shut him in.

Who's in...is not getting out. Who's not...isn't getting in.

Here are some of the effects of that Lockout.

1. We get to learn that there is such a thing as gopher wood.

2. God gives us rainbows and little bitty Irish men, wearing funny hats looking for the pot o' gold...and Lucky Charms...'they're magically delicious'.

If it had not been for Noah's flood all we would have are Frosted Flakes, which I'm alright with.

But that's not bad...

Anyway that’s number 5.

Number 4

(pay attention)

He’s just Tall that’s All.

Saul stood head and shoulder's above every other Israelite, which means he was probably 5'9". (None of them could play in the NBA). He was a pretty good fella, for awhile...until he decided that his own personal morality superceded Jehovah's. Big mistake.

BAM ! He get's LOCKED OUT !

I Samuel 15:26

And Samuel said unto Saul, I will not return with thee: for thou hast rejected the word of the LORD, and the LORD hath rejected thee from being king over Israel.

The effects of the LOCKOUT of Saul.

1. It gave us David

2. It eventually gives us Jesus.

3. And, it also would give us one of the most beautiful proses ever written. Psalm 23.

Thanks Saul for being a dummy.

Number 3.

(ok...take a quick commercial break)

Like Lightning From the Sky

Good grief Lucy...you had it all. Didn't you know that you were ontologically different from the one who made you? I mean, seriously, you and God were making good music together...but you're just the choir leader...

But alas, ole' Lucifer reared up his head, thought of himself more than he should have and....God trips him...

Luke 10:18

And he said unto them, I beheld Satan as lightning fall from heaven.

LOCKED OUT !

The effects of the Lockout of Lucifer

1. It made sure that no one named their kid Lucifer, because it's a terrible name anyway.

That's the positive...the rest are negative...

2. Murder

3. Strife   

4. Hell

5. Greed

6. Malice

7. Hate...

There's more...but the worst is number...

8. Rap music

Should have just been content to look good.

Number 2

(can't blame it all on the devil)

She's Not That Hot

Must have really unsettled Adam to have a naked woman around. You have to remember though, this is his first experience with such. But REALLY? Was she really that hot? She wasn't no Jennifer Aniston, I bet. So, Adam, you could have stopped her. Yeah she would have pouted a little while and wanted to talk about how it made her feel when you smacked that apple out of her hand, but she would have gotten over it. However, you didn't, and we haven't gotten over it yet.

No way she could have been THAT hot.

The effects of this lockout.

*see the effects of Lockout Number 3

Number 1

(cue “Stairway to Heaven”)

The Goats

This one hasn’t happened yet, but it’s guaranteed to be the biggest Lockout ever.

Although negotiations have stopped (at the cross) Jesus is still changing goats into sheep. But for those goats who don’t….CLANK. LOCKED OUT !

Matthew 25:32-41

³²And before him shall be gathered all nations: and he shall separate them one from another, as a shepherd divideth his sheep from the goats:

 ³³And he shall set the sheep on his right hand, but the goats on the left.

 ³⁴Then shall the King say unto them on his right hand, Come, ye blessed of my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world....⁴¹Then shall he say also unto them on the left hand, Depart from me, ye cursed, into everlasting fire, prepared for the devil and his angels:

The effects of this lockout

(Let’s focus on the positive)

1. No more pain, suffering…all the bad stuff.

2.All the fellas who wore funny mustaches will get their just punishment (Hitler, Stalin, etc…etc..)

3.NO MORE RAP MUSIC

Well that’s my list

*Honorable mention: All the times I locked myself out of my car…and the time my mom locked herself out of her house and had to call the police…very funny.